I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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