Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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