I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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