i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
