I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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