kristin has been a bad kristin
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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