Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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