My first STD was from a foam party
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
