On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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