I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
