god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
