areolas are like halos for boobs.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sext me about skeletons
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
