I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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