It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
