Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
