i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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