I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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