I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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