new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
