I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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