I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
