I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you traded sex for a burrito?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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