i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
