At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
