I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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