I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
