On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
