I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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