Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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