The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
