Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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