Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
