There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
