I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
