I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
