Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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