i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
