this beer tastes like vomit already
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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