I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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