my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
