a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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