she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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