I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
