2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
