I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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