I think my fart just growled at me.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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