Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I've blown a few things in my day
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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