The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
