I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
