So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
