$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
