I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
