i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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