I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
