She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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